The story of coming home

Coming from very fast paced environments (I worked in the fashion industry for many years; working on design development, sales, art direction, production, travelling the world to showrooms, boutiques, department stores, fashion weeks, factories, fairs - as well as in publishing, working for a renown magazine publisher where I did marketing for woman magazines such as ELLE, Vogue, Harper’s Bazaar, Women’s Health to name a few), a life of chasing, rushing and constant creation. I was moving fast, always chasing the next thing – and for a while it felt like freedom. I loved the thrill of it and I learned and experienced a lot. Somewhere along the way, I lost the sense of fulfillment I once felt. After a long period of pushing myself and trying to conform to a work life that deep-down no longer felt like mine, as well as being in a personal situation that completely drained me, I got burned out. Nothing made sense anymore and I completely lost the idea of who I was or a view of who I wanted to be. I was living in a fog, not seeing clearly, feeling unseen, unheard, without clear direction, just complete confusion and chasing fulfillment of ego and external factors. I was looking at the external world and giving it the responsibility of making me happy and making me feel seen. I wasn’t able to look inside and truly see myself. If I was not able to do that, how could I expect others to see me? If I could not love, value and respect myself deep enough, how could I expect the world to do this for me? I ended up being disappointed by my surroundings, by the negative bubble that I had created. I was expecting someone or something to come in and ‘save’ me, some miracle to happen.

At the same time, I was fighting from the very depths of my soul for something that was only bringing me pain, destruction and deep disappointment. Slowly by slowly I was losing myself more and more, not able to see any clear direction, looking for answers outside of myself, answers that I was forcing to find. The more I forced, the more unanswered and out of reach they felt. I experienced pain that I can’t even call heartbreak - as it felt more like the breaking of my soul. It was the deepest pain I have ever experienced. It paralyzed me. It made me lethargic, it made me so fearful and so full of suffering that sometimes I was unable to move. The confusion, the suffering, the disconnect from my inner being was so deep, that it felt impossible to get a grip and to get out of it. I felt completely helpless. I felt blinded, with my arms tied, pressed against a wall. I was a prisoner, a prisoner of my self inflicted jail. 

At some point I surrendered - as this very pain was asking me to be still, to spend time with myself, to have a look inside of me and to see what my situations really embodied:  mirrors of my own inner world. I started to see things differently, from a different angle, being able to see beyond myself, instead of looking through my own muddy view of trauma, unresolved emotions, conditioning, deep rooted toxic patterns and defense mechanisms. Instead of reacting to triggers in an emotional way or shutting down, I started to sit with my feelings, just feeling them – and listening to what they were trying to tell me. All of my emotions had a hidden message for me - my rage and anger: the need for change, my deep fears: the need to learn to love myself so much that I finally had the strength to overcome them. My sadness: the realization that even in the deepest pain there is beauty – for as how beautiful it is to feel so deeply? It is what makes me human. Sometimes the emotions were overwhelming and frightening. This was the hardest point to hold on, as we are used to push away what makes us uncomfortable, to look the other way, to distract ourselves, anything so we just don’t need to feel the pain. I learned to ease into the tough emotions, to embrace them fully.  When I got to my fears I realized how many of my daily decisions were based on it; fear of not succeeding, fear of not being taken seriously, fear of abandonment. When I tried to get through the fears and see what was on the other side of it, I did a big discovery: it wasn’t courage on the other side of fear. It wasn’t a warrior ready to fight and to slay its dragons. It was love. It was peace. It was serenity. It made me understand that if I face my fears and am able to transform them, I will reach peace and love, I will arrive at a place where I can meet my purpose and complete happiness - I will be HOME. The idea that I had in my head that I always need to fight, to be strong, to struggle, to be brave – was a complete illusion. If we just face our fears with love for ourselves, with compassion and patience, we will not only conquer them, but we will reach a completely different state of being. This was one of the most transformational realizations for me which I am carrying and practicing till today.

And this is where Reiki comes in – Reiki helped me throughout this journey - by connecting me with my inner self, lifting the heaviness, making me see things for what they really are and giving me insights. It helped me to lift the veil of confusion, lifted the illusion of being helpless, feeling unworthy – it made me see my value, my inner strength. And not only see it, but feel it truly. It helped me to take accountability and responsibility for my own actions, showing me that all the situations that I am in, are all created by me. I can’t point any fingers at anyone or anything, just at myself. It was very confrontational and very ugly to look at myself in the mirror like that, but it also showed something ground breaking: if I created it all myself, I can create something again – something I truly want, something that will truly make me happy, fulfilled and balanced. So I started to build – with renewed strength and from a grounded, balanced, pure and true place.

And as I continued, I realized that this transformation wasn’t just meant for me - it was something I wanted to pass on.Something to help and to share with others, as everyone deserves to feel home in their own self, to get deep insights and to heal their inner wounds in the most gentle and soft way. To be free from fears, pains - any blockages - and to feel calm and steady. To have a clear view of their purpose and to follow it slowly but surely.

I want to share the gift of what I’ve conquered, as I know how it feels like to completely lose your center – and how powerful it is to find your way back.